Where are the parents?

SolutionsforBullying@gmail.com http://www.solutionsforbullying.com/

Where are the parents?

While spending a wonderful Saturday at the park with my sons I was abruptly awaken out of my afternoon bliss by a stick to the head.  Two 10ish year old boys were throwing sticks at an injured squirrel in a tree above me.  I politely asked them to stop several times as the sticks kept hitting my family and the already injured squirrel.  After requesting the kids stop no less than five times one of my sons said “where are there parents?”  Good question.  When I asked them they said “I do not know” and continued to torture the poor squirrel. 

Bullying usually occurs when the parents or adults are out of site.  Bathrooms, the bus, the playground and after school walking home are perfect places for children to be bullied since there are few, if any adults around.  What makes it even more complicated is that sometimes the bully acts like a prefect angel in front of adults and his/her parents.

So what is a parent to do?  Talk to your children and make them aware of when and where bullying most likely happens.  This information may help them make better choices on where to position themselves– perhaps to sit at a lunch table close to the lunchroom staff or a seat in the bus close to the bus driver.  Also, find out from your school who is in charge of the lunchroom, the playground, before and after school grounds monitoring.  Make sure your child knows who is in charge during the times.  If they are bullied or observe someone being bullied, have them inform the adult in charge and you.   

As a side note, according to a study done by the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) and Northeastern University, animal abusers are five times more likely to commit violent crimes against another.  Yes, I know it is “only” a squirrel but as another observant and caring parent at the park said to me “today it is a squirrel, tomorrow it is a cat, and ten years from now it is a human”. 

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda Before Bully Season

SolutionsforBullying@gmail.com www.SolutionsforBullying.com

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda is among one of my favorite phrases.  Unfortunately, I am using it again as it pertains to bullying.

Last school year in April and May and again in July I contacted my son’s school counselor to make sure that the bully was not in any of his classes.  I did not receive a call back so I ASSUMED this was taken care of and there would be no issue.  A week ago I called and e-mailed again but copied the principal, vice principal, superintend and the counselor.  Again, no reply.  How odd, I thought to myself.  After all we did to help our school why would I not get a call back?  After a few more calls and e-mails late last night I did get a call back.  A somewhat nervous member of the staff informed me that the bully was indeed in a class and his locker was very close to my son.  How could this happen?  After I called and e-mailed so many times!

So what would I do differently?  It is pretty simple.

I shouda, I coulda, I woulda at the end of last year made an appointment with the principal and team to make sure the bully was not in any of his classes and his locker is on a different floor.  If I did not get a reply back I would show up at the school and politely requested to speak to the team. 

I feel pretty confident that this issue is going to be rectified right away.  I insisted that it was not my son that was going to be moved but the bully.  The bully needs consequences, not the victim.  That would just be punished the wrong child.

My advice, plan ahead and if you do not get anywhere show up and ask for an appointment.  Be professional at all times but be firm.  This way you will not have a  shoulda, woulda, coulda on your hands. 

Critically acclaimed AMC series, "Breaking Bad" Actor RJ Mitte reviews “When Your Child is Being Bullied; Real Solutions for Parents, Educators and Other Professionals”

SolutionsforBullying@gmail.com http://www.solutionsforbullying.com/

RJ Mitte best known for his role as Walter White Jr. on the AMC television series, Breaking Bad reviewed “When Your Child is Being Bullied; Real Solutions for Parents, Educators and Other Professionals”:

We have all come to a place where the need to control, force, and dominate
others for power and laughs is a tragic aspect of our modern society. This
behavior is called bullying. In order to completely remove one behavior we
have to replace it with another. Respecting our differences is more than a
polite idea. It reminds us that we are all equal in our humanity.

Solutions for Bullying offers practical steps, and experience for parents
and children who are experiencing bullying and don't know what to do. In
fact, the book should be used as a proactive tool that helps parents,
their children, and school administrations before a bullying crisis
begins, and leads to out of control behavior, or far worse, the death of
another innocent person.

Respectively,

RJ Mitte, Actor

RJ states in his review “respecting our differences”.  He is so right.  The world would be a very boring place if we were all beige.  Often kids that are more colorful are bullied.    They are bullied because they are different from the norm.    They do not wear the cool, name brand clothing, they are in the band, they like to act.... whatever it is that makes them different is often wrong in the eyes of the bully.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being different and we must encourage our kids to be who they are while still being respectful to others. 

RJ is only 19 years old; he is much wiser than his years.  There are so many actors that are bad boys/girls treating others with extreme disrespect.  We are so lucky to have a young man like RJ in Hollywood leading by example that being respectful and grounded is cool.  Thank you RJ!

Do the parents of the bully know their child is a bully?

SolutionsforBullying@gmail.com http://www.solutionsforbullying.com/

Do the parents of the bully know their child is a bully?

A father was telling us a story about a friend of his that said to him “Why didn’t you tell me my child was a bully?”   This question came up after the father addressed the issue of not wanting to vacation with the family of the child that was doing the bullying.  The father replied “how did you not know?” 

We are often asked the question if the parent’s of the bully know their child is a bully.  Early on in our search for solutions to bullying we asked a leading child psychologist and bullying expert this question and his answer was “yes – they know”.  They know their child has behavior issues that should be addressed more frequently but for whatever reason they do not.  Maybe it is too uncomfortable, maybe they are afraid of their child, maybe it is easier not to address it and pretend the problem does not exist, maybe if they address the issue it will be a negative reflection on the child and the parents….

So what do we do when we are in a similar situation?  In our book we talk about addressing the issue with the other parents.  If is done in a professional, non-threatening manner the issue is out on the table for what is hopefully a healthy, constructive conversation that will generate a solution. 

It is an uncomfortable position to be in but with a little mental rehearsing, just like we do with our children when we discuss with them on how to stand up for themselves, it  could have a very positive outcome.  The issue is addressed, the parents of the bully know your concerns as it relates to the treatment of your child and hopefully positive steps are taken to resolve the problem.  Be warned that it sometimes takes a few conversations with the other parents to make this stick. 

Together we can find a solution! 

Another Talk Mom? The Bully “Talk”

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Just when you thought you were done with the tough conversations we need to add another one to it!  We had the “talks” about puberty, drugs, (gulp) sex and now BULLYING! 

Starting these conversations early and often with our children – it just may help prevent bullying .

Here are a few sample questions to start the conversation:

“Have you ever witnessed anyone being bullied or have you been bullied? “

If you have a very young child you might want to give examples of what bullying is such as name calling, hitting, intentional exclusion, gossip…. 

If your child answers yes follow up with, “What did you do about it?”

Welcome open conversations about bullying and if they ever see anything that looks like bullying tell a trusted adult and parent.  Try out your acting skills by pretend to be the bully, the by-stander and the bullied child.  Discuss how each of the children felt during the situation.  This is a good time to discuss the role of the by-stander as well as sticking up for themselves in a non-violent way.  Bullies do not like when someone else steps in and stands up for themselves or others. 

Here is the tough one…..  Have you ever shown bully like behaviors in the past?

If so, discuss what happened, why it happened and explain why these behaviors are hurtful not only to the other child but to themselves.

I know, I know one more thing on your to-do list but it could prevent so many more problems in the future.  Remember starting these conversations early and often with our children may help prevent bullying.

Together we can make this a better world for our children!

Solutions for Bullying Coming Soon!

When Your Child Is Being Bullied: Real Solutions For Families is coming soon!