Why would you bully a child; let alone this child? Kathleen Edward, Trenton, MI

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Why would you bully a child:  let alone this child?  Kathleen Edward, Trenton, MI

We send our deepest condolences to the family of Kathleen Edward.  The sweet, beautiful, kind  child from Trenton, MI lost her battle with Huntington’s disease recently.  I have seen what this terrible illness can do to a child as we lost a young girl to the same disease at our church a few years ago. 

I am just baffled as to why anyone, let alone, an adult would choose to bully a child, but why this child?     Kathleen Edward’s neighbor Jennifer Petkov felt that it was ok to bully a terminally ill child because of a family dispute.  It is truly perplexing. Bullying is an anti-social behavior at any age.  Often people look at the victim as having a “problem”.  There is nothing wrong with the victim, bullying is the problem. And, the problem is with the bully, not the victim. In this case it could not be any clearer – the bully has a very serious problem with herself. 

There is never a "reason" for bullying. Bullies choose to bully and typically have unhealthy motivations in their own life for doing so.    Jennifer Petkov felt she had a good reason to bully Kathleen because her children were not invited to play in a bounce house at the Edward’s home.  Jennifer Petkov was quoted on TV as saying she felt “personal satisfaction” in bullying Kathleen.    

It is so important that we nip bullying in the bud at a very young age so that we have fewer adult bullies and criminals in our world.  We need to stand up to people who bully, regardless of their age.  Bystanders play a key role in the bully/bystander/bullied triad. If bystanders call out the bully as wrong or inappropriate, it is less likely they will continue. However, most parents do not teach their children to defend their friends. Further, children are taught to stay out of it.  While bystander children should not put themselves in harms way, they can report bullies or tell their parents.  I am glad that the people of Trenton, MI and the world stood by Kathleen Edward and her family.  I am just so sorry it had to happen in the first place.

Kathleen, I hope you are having the most wonderful day in heaven with your mother today and always.  May you rest in peace. 

New Year, New Laws on Bullying

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Illinois is just one of several states with beefed up bullying laws going into place in 2012.  House Bill 3281, sponsored by state Rep. Dwight Kay (R-Glen Carbon) goes into effect today and allows schools to suspend or expel a student who threatens another student or a school employee via the Internet.  The only issue is that suspensions do not always work.  As we discuss in our book, suspensions are sometimes just a week to stay home, play video games and do nothing.  Perhaps requiring the bully and parents to do some research on bullying, its effects and the reasons why a bully would bully might just lead to some introspective thinking on behalf of the bully and their family.  Expulsion is definitely a harsher punishment to bullying that will get some attention by the bully and parents of the bully.

"Bullying no longer takes place only at school," Kay told the Belleville News-Democrat of the new law. "Bullies use the Internet to follow their victim home and harass them through social networking. This bill gives school boards and administrators a way to deal with online threats from students towards other students, faculty or anyone else."  Hopefully schools across the world will take a strong stance against cyber bullying in 2012.  If it happens online, it is happening at school.  Schools should also take a look at punishments for text bullying as well since the two are often done simultaneously.

Tis’ the Season for the Family Bully

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Ahhh, the holiday season.  Family and friends all gather for the feast and good cheer!  Almost every family has one, the family bully.  The relative young or old that is a bully but because they are family we just accept who they are and “ignore it”.  We look the other way when little Johnny takes your child’s toy for the 20^th time that day, we walk away when we hear Suzy tell her cousin she is ugly, we laugh when the adult aunt tells you that you are fat. 

In our book we discuss how ignoring the bully does not work; it only makes the situation worse because the bully will continue to bully.  We also discuss how it is important to address the situation quickly so that the bullying stops.  The same is true for the family bully; if we do not stand up to the bully it will continue and even get worse as the party continues.  So what is a family to do?  

One solution might be to have a casual conversation with your children before the party, discuss what could happen and what to do if it happens.  We do not want to make the child dread the party so a light and casual conversation should do the trick.  It would also be helpful not to use the word bully or call the relative a bully.  We teach our children while at school to say no to the bully, we teach the children not to watch someone else be bullied but to help them out, the same holds true with the family bully.  Say no, we are not going to stand for this anymore, disarm them and take away the power.

With the adult bully we might want to politely and firmly address the situation the first time it happens.  Waiting until the fourteenth time Aunt June puts someone down may just make you want to explode.   It is very important to stay calm and professional because in some cases the bully is looking for a reason to fragment the family and a confrontation would be the perfect reason to end the annual family holiday party or even stop seeing the relatives all together.  

The adult bully is a practiced bully.  He/she has been doing this for years and is the master manipulator.  By reacting quickly and calmly instead of yelling and screaming or ignoring will help disarm the power of the bully.  Just as you would with your children, prepare yourself for what might happen, plan how you will calmly stand up to the bully or for another relative that is being bullied and say no, I am not going to take this from you anymore.  Addressing it quickly may just help make the rest of the party more enjoyable and hopefully the other relatives young and old will learn from your positive behavior and do the same. 

Have a wonderful holiday season.  If it is to be it is up to me. 

U.S. Dept of Ed Report on Bullying Laws: Extremely low accountability and enforcement

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http://www2.ed.gov/rschstat/eval/bullying/state-bullying-laws/state-bullying-laws.pdf

Today the Department of Education released a report entitled "Analysis of State Bullying Laws and Policies" reviewing state and school district policies related to anti-bullying and harassment.   The report clearly identifies that while 46 states have anti-bullying laws, they fall short on several measures. Most importantly, under these laws, the vast majority of  states have little or no ability to enforce the laws or hold schools accountable. Similarly, very few laws identify clear consequences for bullying perpetrators.  Anti-bullying advocates and authors, Jacqui DiMarco and Marie Newman discuss the social issues and legal implications of bullying in  their book, When Your Child is Being Bullied:  Real Solutions for Parents, Educators, and Other Professionals.  The authors provide recommendations to school districts, communities and parents on how to implement systems that stop bullying using "Real Solutions"  and  "Teachable Consequences" vs. antiquated measures most schools currently use.  They are available for comment or interview about the Department of Education report and why the laws are not designed for success .  See www.solutionsforbullying.com for a media kit. Contact Information: Email - marieknewman@me.com Phone - 630-673-9178 Or contact us through our  website  : www.solutionsforbullying.com

Why Can't Media Folks Cover The Bullying Problem AND Solutions?

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I frequently scratch my head at this. The good news: Media folks have done a tremendous job identifying that the U.S. has a various serious bullying problem and the depth of the problem.

The bad news: solutions for bullying are never covered.  There are solutions that work well! Hundreds of them! There is an army of experts, advocates, professionals and volunteers out there everyday working hard and actually making progress against the bullying epidemic.

Please do not misunderstand, revealing and demonstrating the problem is critical and should continue without question.  My only concern is that solutions are not focused on as well.

As examples, our team can speak to 20 different school districts and school systems that have successfully decreased bullying dramatically in the last 3 years. Similarly, I can share several handfuls of key stories where severe bullying issues were resolved with happy endings.

Again the exposure to the problem is crucial, but providing working solutions would provide hope and clearly, motivation. We can do this. There are strategies and tactics that work!

Let's all start taking a problem-solution approach and start motivating people!

For more on this topic and clearly effective solutions for both individual cases of bullying as well as compelling and proven solutions for schools, see our book, "When Your Child Is Being Bullied: Real Solutions For Parents, Educators and Professionals"  at www.solutionsforbullying.com and amazon.com.

Where are the parents?

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Where are the parents?

While spending a wonderful Saturday at the park with my sons I was abruptly awaken out of my afternoon bliss by a stick to the head.  Two 10ish year old boys were throwing sticks at an injured squirrel in a tree above me.  I politely asked them to stop several times as the sticks kept hitting my family and the already injured squirrel.  After requesting the kids stop no less than five times one of my sons said “where are there parents?”  Good question.  When I asked them they said “I do not know” and continued to torture the poor squirrel. 

Bullying usually occurs when the parents or adults are out of site.  Bathrooms, the bus, the playground and after school walking home are perfect places for children to be bullied since there are few, if any adults around.  What makes it even more complicated is that sometimes the bully acts like a prefect angel in front of adults and his/her parents.

So what is a parent to do?  Talk to your children and make them aware of when and where bullying most likely happens.  This information may help them make better choices on where to position themselves– perhaps to sit at a lunch table close to the lunchroom staff or a seat in the bus close to the bus driver.  Also, find out from your school who is in charge of the lunchroom, the playground, before and after school grounds monitoring.  Make sure your child knows who is in charge during the times.  If they are bullied or observe someone being bullied, have them inform the adult in charge and you.   

As a side note, according to a study done by the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) and Northeastern University, animal abusers are five times more likely to commit violent crimes against another.  Yes, I know it is “only” a squirrel but as another observant and caring parent at the park said to me “today it is a squirrel, tomorrow it is a cat, and ten years from now it is a human”. 

Stopping Bullies From Tormenting Your Child: Key Steps For Parents

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When parents or members of the media ask us: "What are the most important steps to take if one finds out their child is being bullied?" It is really simple, but takes some tenacity and determination from a parent to stop their child's torment comprehensively and quickly:

The key steps:

• Get the full story and all of the facts quickly
• Stay as calm as you can, but be assertive
• Document the incidents in writing with dates, participants and descriptions
• Call the principal and teacher team for a meeting quickly
• Bring your documentation and your most respectful, yet determined, self to the meeting
• At the meeting:
• Require the parents of the bully be informed of his/her behavior
• Require the bully and his parents sign a document (see our family contract in our book, "When Your Child Is Being Bullied:Real Solutions" ) that guarantees all bullying, speaking about the bullied child/bullying incidents and malice will cease immediately
• Require that both the bully and the bullied child move on from the incident and agree to be civil to one another moving forward (they don't have to be friends, but must be respectful)
• Never have the bully and the bullied child hash it out in a "peer to peer conflict resolution" meeting - this only re-victimizes the victim and makes the bully angrier

If the above does not work immediately, see our additional recommendations in the book. Frequently the above is enough, but often times it is not and we have many more recommendations that will work well.

 In our book, When Your Child Is Being Bullied: Real Solutions (www.solutionsforbullying.com), outlines a full plan (yes, unfortunately you will need it - these things tend to be messy and complicated) designed to be customizable to your child's specific needs and their specific challenge.


When Your Child Is Being Bullied: Real Solutions is available on www.amazon.com and www.solutionsforbullying.com